you dont understand what i feel

i feel pissed.
i mean dont you get it. i miss my friend
im sorry for making this a big deal.
pero talaga paminsan, parang binabale wala mo nalang ako

i respect the thing you have with her.
but the thing is. sometimes, when i say hi..
you dont say hi back and you would always say... "susunduin ko xa"
i wanted to talk to you.
i wanted comfort from you.
i needed you.

and today, when we fixed things and you said. "u want to hang out tom?"
of course i'd love to be with you. i miss having your company.
but when you suddenly said that i am going to be with you and her and some of your friends..
i might just be out of place. i might not even have a decent conversation with you.
i thought that the hangout you were referring to was that we are just alone, the 2 of us.
i might just be interfering with your plans..

you changed.
a lot.

then i told to my friend whats wrong.. he said that
"if he doesnt have any interest in having a friendship with you, pabayaan mo xa, who cares naman diba? parang sinasabi nya na he doesnt want to be with you anymore. ede pabayaan mo xa. thats what ayie does."

he has a point.
but the thing is, you are one of my friends that i just cant let go and be someone your really not.
its not only me that is feeling this way towards you..
i just hope that soon, you'll get my point..

am i overreacting? :(

missing my friend..
feeling a little bit bitter..
reg.

death. oh death.

well. sorry for the topic. i just cant help but to think about it.. for you guys out there who doesnt know.. the mom of my friend passed away yesterday morning due to a heart attack.. please pray for them...

Death. yes, it is very inevitable.
it wonders us, i mean who wouldnt?
does it ever cross your mind how and when we are going to leave our loved ones, those who cared for us? thinking about these stuff leaved me nothing but tears..

life is too short.
its the truth. we cant just live forever..
to think that when we are healthy and well. we would like to die because of problems but when we are in the stage wherein its too late, we would like to get a second chance.. to fulfill our dreams and be with the persons who loves us.

so now i have a question... would you want to be remembered in a good way or in a bad way?
it always matter, right?
everything we do matters..everything we live for, our perspectives, or dreams, our actions. everything matters...

but in the end..
ionno. maybe we just have to live our lives the way we want it too.
thats what we are.

------------------------------
finals this week.
pray for me. thanks!
reg :)

the truth was set free.

me and anna told him the truth last saturday.
what really happened..
and he's --> O_O
he knows now. now what?

anna asked him if the feelings are still there.
unfortunately, he said no.. its gone. its all gone.

but this got me thinking.
anna told me that he wants to talk to me to tell me that its all gone. but until now, that topic never came up. i mean, whats to be scared about? im already broken, why not tell it to me now. i know that it would be harder the second time around, the feeling that you would know that it would never work.
what happened to second chances?
when we were in 7th grade, i never had feelings for you and yet, you kept on telling me that you love me. and now. maybe its my turn to tell you how i feel.

i taught you to never give up, and now, maybe its your turn to teach me...

but of course, i will never guarantee that things would be the same as before...
i just want us to have the conversations that we had before, the best friend conversation...

i dont know. maybe im numb. maybe i became numb. :|
for days. i didnt laugh so much, i didnt smile, i didnt cry...
after knowing that its all gone.. *sigh*

but today. during training, i got an eye-opening moment.
i got my emotions back (if that was even possible)
i learned to cry and to go back to my senses.
i prayed to give me more pain, for the pain wont be concentrated on my heart (yuck, drama)
so He did give me pain, i got hit by a ball 2 times, HARD. one on the face and one to my bum. plus the pain of my hip since monday..
I LOVE GOD. :)
now i really know that He listens to me, no matter how i say it, no matter how i feel, no matter what im doing. He always listens to me. and of course, to you guys too.

we talked tonight. i missed it. so much.
he said that he would be coming back to merville nxt next week for Parish Involvement..
he was kind, he kept on using that big smiles emoticon.
i didnt expect him to make my day, even though today was a painful day for me. and im glad that he did. :)

and to that other person. you said sorry, even though i know that it wasnt sincere at all, i accepted it. after a year without talking to me. you suddenly say sorry after my status messages were like that.
and now you are going to say that it wasnt entirely your fault?
you said that you were only 1/6 of the problem. and the others was his decision. his decision whether to love me or not.
yes, i agree to that. but if you havnt interfered, maybe there's no decision to make.

oh well. i just hope that everything would be fine soon.
real soon.

what a merry christmas for me. :|

CONFUSED.
reg. :|

tell me...

tell me.. was it ever fair? just tell me.
so i know the truth now. i sent hints for you to feel a little bit guilty.
i dont know if you are right now, but you have no idea how painful it is for my part.
you thought you might lose your best friend, but what about me? did you ever think about me?
i lost the person that i love.

and i will make sure that he would know the truth.
because it is UNFAIR for me that he is with you, the person who broke us.
i want to say it for the sake of him knowing it.
im not expecting us to be together again.
but he deserves the truth.

you made up stories, stories that i would believe for us to break up.
you're evil, psychotic and selfish mind.
you thought that i wouldnt know the truth
but here i am, still standing, and planning to let the truth free.

i actually lost my respect for you.
you were my bestfriend. and suddenly, out of nowhere, you would get mad at me for having a thing with him, just for the reason that we dont look together? so what?!
hello? have you ever thought to yourself that he is always with you, and it is okay for me that he would always be with you.

im not being selfish, i didnt want him to be with me all the time coz i know that he needed
his friends, he needs you.

i waited for 8 months just to know the truth. and now i know it.
your reason? its very childish.

so tell me now, was it ever fair?


sorry guys for speaking this way.
really feeling so pissed right now.
reg.

so sorry..

so to you guys out there whos reading my blog whenever. im sorry i dont get to update. been depressed most of the time.. school, grades, soccer, love, teachers, parents... almost everybody is giving me a hard time nowadays. so. im really sorry.

been thinking once in a while why do things have to be this way..
is it me?
is it them?
or its really this way?
no idea. but ill let God take me to wherever he takes me to.

do you know the feeling that ur just pissed because you are and you dont mind the others but yourself. its like. you are in your own world. isolated. stuck. misery. regrets. broken hearts. depression. and you just feel that everything is against you?
i cant get out of it. i dont know why. i just cant.
any suggestions?

what should i do?
what should i say?
to whom should i listen to?
to whom should i lean down for an advise?
to whom should i ask for help?
should i just stay at the terrace, staring at all the stars, count them one by one and think?
or should i just lie down on my bed, stare at the ceiling and wait?
or simply, just live my miserable life?
questions dear. questions.
cant get enough of them.

help me. i just cant live like this forever.
sorry if my blog is like this.
im plain feeling troubled.

reg

sembreak day three.. its getting there...

oh well, i know. its late.
i cant sleep.

so today. funny thing happened, my dad spoke to me today. congratulations to me. but its not the fatherly type of way. ung tipong, kakausapin lang nya ako kapag may iuutos siya o may kailangan, oh well, at least, kinakausap diba? ive been to many instances like this and its getting pretty normal to me. i just have to give time. to let things pass.

elections day for SK and dentist day for me.

what happened in the elections?
that is the big question.
well. lets just say that i didnt have the warm welcome which i expected. but what the heck, at least i voted right?
so since my parents arent voters here in paranaque (they are registered in our province), dad drove me, my brother and my helper to the voting sites.
first stop, KC clubhouse, since my brother is designated to vote in that place. i saw pau, she was with tita myra, she was going to belve court to vote when i saw her. i saw kuya ged and kuya alvin there too. chatted for a while while waiting for my brother to finish voting. then after the voting, we left to go to belve, since the SK are designated to vote there and our helper is registered to vote in that place.
second stop, belve court.
oh hello, the people of barangay merville. yes. MANY PEOPLE.
hello to the smell of cigarettes, pollution and the not to mention, the great number of people who went there to vote. which by the way, are the 3 reasons why i get dizzy in a public area. sorry na, sensitive eh
i went to the desk. my name wasnt there, but they told me to go to the counter at the stage to verify, then i saw pau, we decided to go together then she asked the people in the counter where to go for the SK elections. they told us to go to 1035 counter. we lined up, took almost 20 minutes just to find out that our names arent there and they told us to go to 1053 counter. good thing theres no much people lining up. at last, our names are there.
what a relief.
names, fingerprints, ballots, ink. it was crazy. and i was so dizzy by that time.

right after voting, farewell to my friends, went to the cr to wash off the ink, which is by the way hard to take off, then straight to the car then went home to drop off our helper and to call mommy dearest that we need to leave right away for the dentist.

dentist time. oh dear. we got there at 10 then went back home at 1.
brother had an operation. the surgeon has to remove 4 wisdom teeth from him coz he is starting to feel the pain of his impacted teeth.
for me, new wires, new elastics.
its hard to eat, trust me. it hurts.

when i got home, i had the title of being the nurse.
so for the first time in ages, i left my door open so i could hear him if he needs anything. but he couldnt talk though. how ironic. so i just have to check him from time to time if he needs anything.
i have to sacrifice to pause watching OTH from time to time to check him out. i guess it wouldnt hurt. after all, he was the main reason why i kinda understood bio for my finals. :>
bagong buhay na raw ang bunso sa pamulya para lang sakanyang kuya
how sweet. haha! :))

i think sembreaks getting better. its getting there... :)

so yeah.
now, im getting drowsy. haha!
update soon.
reg :)

so much for sembreak...

no. i mean seriously.. so much for sembreak.
well. i thought that the feeling of sembreak and summer would be the same..

well i guess last night changed my perspective..

it was a nice morning, my mom, dad and i went to NBC tent for the bazaar, went home, ate then went to the prayer meeting...
when i arrived there. i started to feel odd because he was there. tried to be close to him but yea, he kept being so distant, i started to just walk away. its like. he is there but hes also not there. i hate the feeling. i miss being friends with him.
then there was a rosary bowl after. it was all fine until she came up. yes, i felt uncomfortable. but i think, i need time. just to forget things. i dont want our friendship to be bothered because of a guy. thats just too pathetic.
we ate then we went to belve...

Louie and I had some time together, it was nice. i miss having conversations with a guy that would really understand how i feel about things. you know. like a really guy best friend. talking about love, friends, and how we teased edwin out, it was soo fun. i just love Louie for being my friend. :)

and edwin, if ever you are reading this. please understand that im having a bad day. stop irritating me. im sorry, okay? but we could only be friends... i like it that way. no more no less. so im sorry. i know its painful to hear this. but hear me out. pick up lines, jokes that are not any nearer in funny. stop. okay? please. im not in the mood and you know that. im really sorry. hope u understand sooner or later. its hard for me.

then here it is. i called my dad to fetch me. he got all mad why he should pick me up there. i mean, mom didnt tell me what time should i be home, they didnt tell me that they are going to pick up my brother at that specific time from a debut, so they came. and pau asked for a ride. but he eventually said. in front of me and pau... "kaya ako nagagalit eh, pano kita iuuwi?" so i said, "sige, maglalakad nalang kami" then they left. then pau and me started to walk home.. Louie, Sean, Jax and Gelo came up to us and asked what happened. then i just cried. im scared when it comes to my dad is the one whos mad at me.. Louie parked up a tryc and paid for it so me and pau could go home faster than walking...

i thought that he would understand that i havnt been with my friends for 2 weeks.. i miss them so much...

when i got home. i just dived to my bed and started watching OTH, aia let me borrow her DVDs.. then slept.

then today.. i did nothing but to watch OTH..
lets just say that until now, my dad wont talk to me. its really not like him though...

so much for ate nini's business cycle... im at the depression stage now...

having a bad day...
so i think this is where it ends..
reg :(

hell week is over. at last!

so PTs are done. FINALLY.

all of the tests were hard. for me that is. i dont know with the others.
except filipino. thank you ms. suplente for making it easy. : )
stat was kinda easy.
he. enumeration part was not my cup of tea.
and the rest. lets just say that when i get home after the exams. i go straight to bed. :|

so its here. semestral break. oh yay!
i get to be with my friends again.
i get to feel home.
i get to sleep at least 8 hours again.

no research for 3 weeks!

sorry. im not in the mood to make blogs tonight.
im dizzy and tired...

ill update when im in the mood.
reg :)

things will get better...

this week is equals to stress, morning sleeping but it was a better week for me compared to the passed weeks ive had. it was actually relieving.

so its the comeback of the player.
i get to play soccer again! oh yay. ever since i was diagnosed with anterior talofibular ligament sprain. i wasnt able to play for 1 month plus plus. i missed playing. it was cool to play again.
i just love the game.

i dont know. i have this feeling of mine that i get to focus more on my studies with playing. i just realized how much i improved this week in terms of my academics. bea said that im better off multitasking. haha. :))
i just wish that i could continue this since its our finals this week.
woot! more stress coming up. XD

so yeah. despite experiencing all the stress in doing our research journal, which i think we survived. i just wish that what i did was correct. i dont want my group to suffer. i worked hard for that paper, which forced me to sleep at 2am in the morning.
during the research time itself, i could hardly breathe not to mention the shaking for fear. haha. we didnt have the chance to report our journal due to the lack of time. we only finished 2 groups that meeting.
oh well.. no research for 3 weeks! finals next week, sembreak and then recollection.

we will be having our recollection on november 8. which means, more time for God and no subjects. oh joy!

i was shocked that i get to understand bio and math this week, usually the subjects that i dont get at all. :|

the schedule for PT was announced today.
tuesday - Biology, CLE and Statistics
wednesday - Math and Filipino
thursday - English and Social

its so nice that they put Bio up front. its the subject which i need the most time studying, all the understanding and the memorizing... Thank God for giving me a brother that would teach me Bio, he's having INTARMED anyways. (INTARMED - shortened course for being a doctor, only 7 years and poof! he is now a doctor, of course, he needs to pass his boards.

and then Social for last. perfect. haha. also a long time of studying is needed, so its nice to know that its the last test to be given.

so this week, i wont get to attend the Bi-ref and the prayer meeting. so sad. i love attending both. i just cant go out of the house because i need to study for my finals. oh well, i could come back next week. i love spending time with God. :)

the high school dance is tomorrow. its nice to hear that im not the only one who is not going.
my advise to you girl, just dont take it personally, we have finals and all, so please dont call her an inconsiderate person. i told you a long time ago that we are going to have the finals this week. chill out. please.

and i address this to a guy.. PLEASE STOP THE PICK UP LINES. IT WONT WORK ON ME.
oh please.

a terrible news just came in today... an explosion happened in glorietta. terrifying.
8 people died (this is what i know), 80+ people are injured. pray for them. may the 8 souls rest in peace...
i guess no going to the mall again.

wow. a long blog. haha. cant believe it.
well, i guess this is it.
ill blog when i get to.
over and out. reg :)

and they say. the truth shall set you free

well. somethings bothering me.

yep, guessed it right. its about a guy.
i mentioned in the previous blog that i had a relationship.
its this guy.

oh yes. MU lang kami. not anything serious. maybe for him though. pero ako, sineryoso ko yun.
setting the record straight. "its over, its really really over..."
like what Meredith would say in grey's anatomy.
so nyways. im friends with his best friend now, and im glad that we are. so i get the inside scoop.

i thought that our relationship is okay with his "kabarkada" as he said to me. nope, not true.
his other friend was mad at me since last year. wow. and i guessed the reason why, and i was correct. its because of the "thing". actually, i didnt expect that it was the only reason why he's going to get mad at me, we were best friends back then, at it hurts if we lost one, i guess everybody knows that.

so un nga. i mean. i hope that he would've just been honest to me about it so that i wont carry the guilt of his "barkada" breaking up, all because of me.
i was not trying to get him away from you. hindi nga kami masyado nagkakasama nun eh. he was always with you.

wala siyang time para sakin lagi.

so you dont have the right to say that "shes trying to get him back". its done. you can have him. i have to admit that not everything is healed on my part but hey. u cant accuse me of getting him back because im not. i just want to be his friend again.

how pathetic.
false accusations do not help you in anyway.
nakakasakit ka na. tama na. pwede?

so maybe i could sleep now.
for those out there who doesnt know, blogging is my therapy.
so sorry if you guys dont understand me in anyway.

adios amigos.
reg :)

i dont seem to understand

so here, i made a blog. exactly 12:12 in the morning, october 16, 2007.

wondering why such title?
well here it goes.
i have this friend that doesnt seem to understand why im feeling like this.
she asked me to go with her to her high school dance, and she knows that i like that guy. guess what? she asked that guy to be her date to the dance. i mean seriously, i know that she likes her and he likes him but i dont get the point of giving me the every detail of "the thing"
i paid the fee last night. (not sure if im going but, its safe to pay right away, told her that going or not, ill still pay) and she kept on babbling about the dance, the transpo, her date. not to be rude or anything but please. you know i like this guy. and please. just stop. im trying not to show that im affected.
and now she asks some of our friends if im mad at her or something.
thank you for those people who understands what im feeling.
the truth is, im not. so chill out. im happy for the both of you being dates to that dance, but i just dont like to interfere with both of your plans. thats 1 reason why im not sure im going to go to that event. secondly, its exams week next week, so probably i wont be able to go, im stuck at home, being a nerd and all. thirdly, im not sure of my schedule. so please dont speculate that im mad at you, okay?
please understand what im feeling. i know you are excited and you want to share that excitement to everyone else, but oh please please, understand what i feel.
its my first time to like a guy after 6 months after the crushed relationship of mine. please lang talaga, sana maintindihan mo.

so yeah. sorry na. hindi ako mapalagay.

will update sooner or later.
adios amigos.
reg. :)