you dont understand what i feel

i feel pissed.
i mean dont you get it. i miss my friend
im sorry for making this a big deal.
pero talaga paminsan, parang binabale wala mo nalang ako

i respect the thing you have with her.
but the thing is. sometimes, when i say hi..
you dont say hi back and you would always say... "susunduin ko xa"
i wanted to talk to you.
i wanted comfort from you.
i needed you.

and today, when we fixed things and you said. "u want to hang out tom?"
of course i'd love to be with you. i miss having your company.
but when you suddenly said that i am going to be with you and her and some of your friends..
i might just be out of place. i might not even have a decent conversation with you.
i thought that the hangout you were referring to was that we are just alone, the 2 of us.
i might just be interfering with your plans..

you changed.
a lot.

then i told to my friend whats wrong.. he said that
"if he doesnt have any interest in having a friendship with you, pabayaan mo xa, who cares naman diba? parang sinasabi nya na he doesnt want to be with you anymore. ede pabayaan mo xa. thats what ayie does."

he has a point.
but the thing is, you are one of my friends that i just cant let go and be someone your really not.
its not only me that is feeling this way towards you..
i just hope that soon, you'll get my point..

am i overreacting? :(

missing my friend..
feeling a little bit bitter..
reg.

death. oh death.

well. sorry for the topic. i just cant help but to think about it.. for you guys out there who doesnt know.. the mom of my friend passed away yesterday morning due to a heart attack.. please pray for them...

Death. yes, it is very inevitable.
it wonders us, i mean who wouldnt?
does it ever cross your mind how and when we are going to leave our loved ones, those who cared for us? thinking about these stuff leaved me nothing but tears..

life is too short.
its the truth. we cant just live forever..
to think that when we are healthy and well. we would like to die because of problems but when we are in the stage wherein its too late, we would like to get a second chance.. to fulfill our dreams and be with the persons who loves us.

so now i have a question... would you want to be remembered in a good way or in a bad way?
it always matter, right?
everything we do matters..everything we live for, our perspectives, or dreams, our actions. everything matters...

but in the end..
ionno. maybe we just have to live our lives the way we want it too.
thats what we are.

------------------------------
finals this week.
pray for me. thanks!
reg :)

the truth was set free.

me and anna told him the truth last saturday.
what really happened..
and he's --> O_O
he knows now. now what?

anna asked him if the feelings are still there.
unfortunately, he said no.. its gone. its all gone.

but this got me thinking.
anna told me that he wants to talk to me to tell me that its all gone. but until now, that topic never came up. i mean, whats to be scared about? im already broken, why not tell it to me now. i know that it would be harder the second time around, the feeling that you would know that it would never work.
what happened to second chances?
when we were in 7th grade, i never had feelings for you and yet, you kept on telling me that you love me. and now. maybe its my turn to tell you how i feel.

i taught you to never give up, and now, maybe its your turn to teach me...

but of course, i will never guarantee that things would be the same as before...
i just want us to have the conversations that we had before, the best friend conversation...

i dont know. maybe im numb. maybe i became numb. :|
for days. i didnt laugh so much, i didnt smile, i didnt cry...
after knowing that its all gone.. *sigh*

but today. during training, i got an eye-opening moment.
i got my emotions back (if that was even possible)
i learned to cry and to go back to my senses.
i prayed to give me more pain, for the pain wont be concentrated on my heart (yuck, drama)
so He did give me pain, i got hit by a ball 2 times, HARD. one on the face and one to my bum. plus the pain of my hip since monday..
I LOVE GOD. :)
now i really know that He listens to me, no matter how i say it, no matter how i feel, no matter what im doing. He always listens to me. and of course, to you guys too.

we talked tonight. i missed it. so much.
he said that he would be coming back to merville nxt next week for Parish Involvement..
he was kind, he kept on using that big smiles emoticon.
i didnt expect him to make my day, even though today was a painful day for me. and im glad that he did. :)

and to that other person. you said sorry, even though i know that it wasnt sincere at all, i accepted it. after a year without talking to me. you suddenly say sorry after my status messages were like that.
and now you are going to say that it wasnt entirely your fault?
you said that you were only 1/6 of the problem. and the others was his decision. his decision whether to love me or not.
yes, i agree to that. but if you havnt interfered, maybe there's no decision to make.

oh well. i just hope that everything would be fine soon.
real soon.

what a merry christmas for me. :|

CONFUSED.
reg. :|

tell me...

tell me.. was it ever fair? just tell me.
so i know the truth now. i sent hints for you to feel a little bit guilty.
i dont know if you are right now, but you have no idea how painful it is for my part.
you thought you might lose your best friend, but what about me? did you ever think about me?
i lost the person that i love.

and i will make sure that he would know the truth.
because it is UNFAIR for me that he is with you, the person who broke us.
i want to say it for the sake of him knowing it.
im not expecting us to be together again.
but he deserves the truth.

you made up stories, stories that i would believe for us to break up.
you're evil, psychotic and selfish mind.
you thought that i wouldnt know the truth
but here i am, still standing, and planning to let the truth free.

i actually lost my respect for you.
you were my bestfriend. and suddenly, out of nowhere, you would get mad at me for having a thing with him, just for the reason that we dont look together? so what?!
hello? have you ever thought to yourself that he is always with you, and it is okay for me that he would always be with you.

im not being selfish, i didnt want him to be with me all the time coz i know that he needed
his friends, he needs you.

i waited for 8 months just to know the truth. and now i know it.
your reason? its very childish.

so tell me now, was it ever fair?


sorry guys for speaking this way.
really feeling so pissed right now.
reg.